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Come on — you know the face. Or maybe it’s a combination of stink face + eye roll + sigh. You know it when you see it, you’ve made it yourself. It’s the look on your face when you get an email that hits a nerve, and it flashes over you, if only for a second.

Fortunately due to the high prevalence of multi-tasking, we have extensive opportunities to observe the appearance of this face while people are checking emails during meetings or talking to you. Instead of digging into multi-tasking and the scientific proof that it is basically impossible for people to actually focus on two things at once, OR the disfunction in meetings that has driven people to multitask in the first place, in this article I will focus on the message in that irk-provoking email.

In my, let’s call them ethnographic observations, I have noticed two types of behaviors around emails — people who fire off the first thing that comes to mind, and people who noodle on wording endlessly. Sometimes people migrate between camps depending on their comfort or the level of sensitivity around the subject. I’ll admit, I’m a noodler, so that might color my point of view on the fire-offs.

Noodling can get you into trouble. First of all, it can make completing the simplest task, like providing a quick update or status to a team mate, take forever. Overly fine-tuning a simple email be a huge time suck, and the best way to work through excessive iteration is to think first about what you want to say before starting to write. Reading something out loud to yourself helps catch unnecessary words or gaps in thought if you made a lot of changes.

Besides the time spent noodling, this set of people also fall into the trap of being too wordy. Emails often begin with, “I just wanted to ask if…” NONE of those words are necessary, they all weaken whatever comes next, and often turn off a reader who is busy and trying to get to the meat of your point. I know it feels more comfortable and less direct, but whenever you read something and think to yourself, man was that written well, 9 times out of 10 is is because they cut out as many unnecessary words as possible. It’s a work in progress, and trust me, I fall into it all of the time, but it’s worth becoming aware of. To read more on the pitfalls of using the word “just,” check out — http://ift.tt/1FG5z7L

Alright, we’ve given the noodlers enough grief, time to dig into the fire-offs. While noodlers spend too much time on an email, fire-offs don’t spend enough time. They too need to stop and think about what they are trying to say, who they are saying it to, and what context that person has, before sending an email. Emails from fire-offs often jump right in, sometimes with no salutation at all, usually asking for something. “Is this done yet?” “Done?” “When is this finished?” These are three examples of actual emails I have seen fire-offs send to people, and let me tell you, the people on the other end are NOT compelled to respond.

While an email that takes forever to get to the point can be frustrating, I take a bigger issue with the fire-offs because these messages seem demanding and impersonal. Email communication already introduces a slew of possible miscommunication opportunities, why not do your best to try to come off as a team player and not a drill sergeant? In the middle of an email chain, it is normal for emails to get shorter, omit salutations, and get to the point — fair. But I would strongly recommend not initiating an email conversation with a message that says only the words “when is this done?” and thinking the recipient is going to feel a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. These emails are the source of the stink face.

When writing an email, please consider what you are saying and who you are saying it to. If you’re nervous about how someone will interpret something you are about to send in email, pick up the phone and call them instead, or if possible, go walk over and talk to them in person. Even though we are all spread too thin and strapped for time and trying to cross off as many things as we can from our list to get home to our families at night, we still have a responsibility not to alienate our co-workers.

Instead of just employing stink face and silently holding onto the feeling of an off-putting email, I have started to call people on the behavior. In spirit of being the change you want to see in the world (thank you Gandhi), start modeling the behavior you want to see in others. I will respond with, “Hi XXX, I hope you are having a nice morning. In response to your question…” In communication, people tent to model off of the behavior of others, and this tends to snap people out of their short/snippy pattern. Stand your ground. If you can’t bring this person to your side, it doesn’t mean you should in turn parrot their behavior.

How do I know this works? I have seen countless people read an email and look like they just stepped in something gross on the sidewalk. And I’ve seen the same amount of people start to come to me for questions and information instead of others because I don’t communicate in this fire-off demanding style. I have heard people venting about how they find the fire-offs offensive, and like everything they are asking for is transactional.

Remember, we are all people, and we are in this together. There’s a happy balance between taking too long and taking no time at all, and in between there is plenty of space to make your point.

Here’s to less eye rolls and more smiles 🙂

Email Etiquette: Don’t be the source of the eye-roll was originally published in Prototyping: From UX to Front End on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Email Etiquette: Don’t be the source of the eye-roll

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