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A short discourse on account deactivation.

Hi. 👋

Facebook here.

But, of course, you already knew that. Silly of me to mention it really.

We’ve know each other such a long time. Over 10 years in fact. What a great relationship it’s been. Sometimes we feel we know you better than you know yourself!

Hah…just kidding… 😅

We remember you when you were just a teenager, in your first year of University, getting up to no good away from the watchful eyes of your parents. We shared some very special moments back then didn’t we. Remember that photo…you know…the one from the club…the one you told us not to show your mum?! Hah, OK yeah, I guess there were a lot of those right 😉

I bet you’d forgotten about those hadn’t you! Don’t worry though. We never forget.

Listen…we need to talk…

Oh sorry, look at us rambling on. You had something you wanted to talk about? Is this about that recent Google search you performed?

This isn’t working any more. I want to deactivate my account…

What? Are you sure you want to deactivate your account?

Yes. I’m sure.

But. Hundreds of your friends will no longer be able to keep in touch with you…

I have numerous ways to keep in touch with my friends. Text, phone, WhatApp, Instagram, Twitter, Skype, at the gym, in a bar, on the beach…should Igo on?

In fact, since you split with Messenger, I really have no use for you at all.

This isn’t about us. This is about your friends. Think of your friends!

What about William?! William will miss you…

I never speak to William.

…Anna will miss you…

I haven’t seen Anna in years.

…Paul will miss you…

OK enough. None of these people are going to miss me. Not one of these pictures you’re showing is of a close friend. With all the things you’ve learned about me, I’m surprised your algorithm hasn’t figured that out.

I guess this part of you hasn’t had much thought put into it.

OK. I’m sorry. At least tell me why you’re leaving?

Does it matter?

I insist.

Is it because you don’t understand how to use Facebook? Because you can learn the basics in our Help Centre!

It’s not that.

Is this a privacy issue? I’ve had a lot of those recently. Remember, If you have privacy concerns you can always control the information you share and who can see it. Before you consider deactivation, please take a moment to learn more about how privacy works on Facebook. And, if you’ve been hacked, you can secure your account! It’s all very safe, I promise.

I just don’t think I should be here any more

What do you mean? Do you not feel safe here? We know it may be upsetting not to feel safe on Facebook. We want you to feel supported. If you’re being harassed or abused, please report it to us. You can also block people from seeing your profile or contacting you. To control what you share on Facebook, change your privacy settings. Does that help?

Look, just feel I spend too much time using Facebook.

Oh, well, if that’s the problem, one way to control your interaction with Facebook is to limit the number of emails you receive from us. You can control them here.

It’s not the notifications, I just don’t think Facebook is useful to me anymore!

You may find Facebook more useful if you connect with more of your friends. Try our Friend Finder to see who you know!

Stop trying to fix this. It’s not even permanent, I could still come back.

So why don’t you just log out instead of deactivating your account?

Would it make you feel better if I just told you I had another Facebook account?

😃

Ok I’m going now…

Wait…..are you sure….

Really?…

OK…

If this is what you think you need…

I want you to know I’ll be waiting here for when you return. I’ll keep everything safe until then. If you have even the slightest desire to come back, just log in as normal and you’ll be back online.

Just like that.

It’ll be like you never left.

👍

Thanks for reading!

If you think other people would enjoy this, share it with a friend, or give it some claps 👏 👏 👏

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How Facebook Deals With A Breakup was originally published in Prototypr on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

How Facebook Deals With A Breakup

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